Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. Couples need to deal with conflict in such a way that they come out healthier on the other side.
The wisest way to fight clean is establishing healthy rules of engagement--"we" boundaries and "me" boundaries for dealing with conflict.
Some examples of "we" boundaries are:
- We will never mention divorce.
- We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past.
- We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
- We will call a "time-out" if conflict escalates to a damaging level.
- We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
- We will never go to bed angry.
- Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.
- I will listen first before speaking. "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger"--James 1:19
- I will deal with my own issues up-front. "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?"--Matthew 7:3
- I will speak gently and keep my voice down. "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."--Proverbs 15:1
The Love Dare, pp 61-63
My husband and I are both stubborn. I have a hard time not yelling when I'm angry and he uses his words as swords. Together we quickly escalate out of control. I find it helpful to take a time-out and sort through my own issues before approaching my husband--Lord, what is really going on? What is the important part of this issue? What should be left between you and me?
In marriage counseling we were advised to argue with our clothes off. Supposedly, the argument doesn't last long in this situation. We've never tried it. We have friends who, during an argument, remind each other they are buddies and this helps end their battle.
Discover together what works for you and resolve to fight fair.
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